I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated

By Julie Klausner

within the culture of Cynthia Heimel and Chelsea Handler, and with the boisterous iconoclasm of Amy Sedaris, Julie Klausner's candid and humorous debut I Don't Care approximately Your Band sheds mild at the humiliations we suffer to discover love--and the teachings that may be culled from the wreckage.

I Don't Care approximately Your Band posits that in recent years the worst men so far are those who appear delicate. It's the jerks in great man garments, now not the avid gamers in Ed Hardy, who holiday the hearts of contemporary ladies who grew up within the shadow of feminism, pondering they can have every little thing, yet prove compromising consistently. The cowards, the kidults, the critics, and the contenders: those are the celebrities of Klausner's memoir approximately how tough it really is to discover a man--good or otherwise--when you're a cynical grown-up exiled within the dregs of Guyville.

Off the recognition of her New York Times "Modern Love" piece approximately getting the brush-off from an indie rock musician, I Don't care approximately Your Band is marbled with the wry lines of Julie Klausner's precocious curmudgeonry and brimming with truths that any one who's ever been on a date will relate to. Klausner is a professional at touchdown herself waist-deep in loopy, time and time back, partly simply because her event as a comedy author (Best Week Ever, television Funhouse on SNL) and cartoon comic from NYC's Upright voters Brigade fuels her philosophy of the way any scene should still spread, that is, "What? That sounds loopy? ok, I'll do it."

I Don't Care approximately Your Band charts a rather human trip of a strong-willed yet weak protagonist who loves males like it's her activity, yet who's performed with men who understand extra approximately love songs than love. Klausner's is a brand new outlook on courting in a time of popular culture obsession, and he or she spent her 20's doing own box study to again up her philosophies. this can be the girl's model of High Fidelity. by means of turns specific, humorous and relocating, Klausner's debut exhibits the evolution of a tender girl who continued myriad encounters with the incorrect men, to emerge with actual- international knowledge on concerns of the center. I Don't Care approximately Your Band is Julie Klausner's manifesto, and each considered one of us can relate.

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It was once additionally Ryan’s phraseology that grew to become me off. He didn’t are looking to proportion me. “Me” used to be now not the article of his sentence. He desired to percentage an as-yet-unprocured cock. in addition to being alerted to what will be generously defined as Ryan’s bi-curiosity—and convinced, to this present day, Nate and that i nonetheless discuss with him by way of his nickname, “Ry-curious”—I imagine it used to be the concept that of sharing itself that became me off so much of all. simply because what’s the purpose of going guy-guy-girl if you’re now not the megastar of the exhibit? Fuck sharing. I dwell by myself, I don’t have any sisters, and that i grew up the more youthful of 2, my older brother a considerable 8 years my senior, which afforded him “third father or mother” prestige in our loved ones. I don’t like sharing whatever, together with outfits, sandwiches, and a focus. I relate to Daffy Duck’s “mine mine mine all mine” coverage. and likewise, I suggest, please; like anybody’s cock is so vast that you’d be like, “I can’t end this! Let’s break up it. ” additionally, as i discussed, there has been the bi factor. Bi doesn’t continuously suggest homosexual, but if I pay attention it from males, I take it to intend “gay quickly. ” It’s like if you happen to meet an anorexic who’s nonetheless consuming ice cubes. So whilst I acquired Ryan’s cell name, and he stated what he acknowledged, i presumed to myself at once, “Wow, that’s lovely homosexual” and, additionally, “This is over. ” not anyone loves homosexual men greater than me. yet you can’t date them, or even Liza has discovered via now that you just can’t marry them, whether they love you quite a bit they could allow themselves overlook that you've got a vagina. They always remember that you've boobs—everybody likes these, and they’re enjoyable to install rhinestone attire. yet closeted gays who turn out turning their hags into beards are able to complicated themselves to the purpose of turning into briefly blinded to their real orientation, within the identify of loving every little thing a couple of girl apart from the outlet among her legs. (The different one. ) yet instantly women need to be with males who can’t cease pondering pussy, even if they're giving a eulogy or altering a diaper. And homosexual men can’t supply us that. It’s a double commonplace, simply because a little of bi in a boy turns the boy homosexual. yet even a heap of bi in a woman can nonetheless suggest you’re simply facing a immediately girl who occurs to be tremendous attractive. It’s now not an analogous. And whereas lots of ladies are open-minded in terms of kissing their boyfriends in “grunge drag” lipstick, I don’t imagine that even comes on the subject of getting grew to become on seeing your loved one with a dick in his mouth. Ryan used to be not often my liked at that time; he was once just a few random cutie i used to be gaining knowledge of. and that i bet there’s whatever shitty approximately being so knee-jerk in my principles approximately what makes an appropriate male companion. finally, isn’t the belief of a man getting fucked basically degrading since it makes him extra like a girl? perhaps that was once simply it. I didn’t are looking to date a bisexual man to any extent further than i needed so far a lady. and that i don’t are looking to date girls. the nearest I ever got here to hooking up with a woman is while I went over to Regina Mancini’s house to smoke pot and order chinese language meals, and ended up feeling her boobs simply because Vivian, the woman she had a weigh down on, didn’t appear.

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